And when I killed her, it was so easy...

Very easy, apparently.

In the past two months, on two separate occasions, two different friends of mine have murdered cats with their vehicles. Killed them, run them over. Naturally, after the first friend of mine hit her victim, we all ruthlessly made fun of her for killing the poor animal.

Some of us more than others. Friend B made fun of her every time he saw her. Then he hit a cat of his own. I'm about to get my license tomorrow and, I've got to tell you, I didn't realize that feline splattering was so common. I feel worried now. Like I'm going to get behind the wheel and hit at least five cats backing out of the driveway.

How easy, exactly, is it for us to kill things in our culture?

It's worldwide, I'm sure for kids to be stomping ants, but we kill things so much more sportingly and efficiently than in other cultures. The kids (and adults) in this country pay upwards of 60 dollars to kill fake people in video games. I'm not trying to be all motherly and complain about violence, I just think it's interesting when you think about it like that.

I used to melt army men with a magnifying glass. It took about two hours and was not nearly as fun as we thought it would be.

We kill animals for sport (with other objects than vehicles). I know people who spend 6 hours out in the woods every saturday during deer season. I simply don't have the patience to be in a tree for hours, waiting to shoot a deer. It seems kinda backwards when we have supermarkets, but someone's gotta do it. (Not really, we could do without deer meat.)

We kill little kids hopes and dreams. It's called Middle School. Elementary School is wonderful; you get lied to for six years straight about how amazing you are and then you go to Middle School and tell the teachers you want to be an astronaut.

Then they teach you about pre-algebra and how real astronauts use math even harder than it. Then you hate math and school and life.

The man kills your sense of humor by telling you that the jokes you make are offensive. Pretty easy to do that.

Diamond jewelry commercials kill love. "This holiday, tell her you really love her with a Zwiemmerwillerstein diamond ring."

Because all of those other times I said I loved her, I really meant I was only with her for her resemblance to Dennis Leary and she should go lay down in a ditch and die.

Steroids simultaneously kill the sport of baseball and manhood. That's just funny.

George Bush doesn't kill anything. He just doesn't care about black people. (Kanye, where you at? Hooooo!)

Or chicken fries.

Nicole Richie kills the spirit of eating. It's quite the conundrum. When you look at her, she's so skinny and gross that you don't want to eat, yourself. Then you turn anorexic and don't eat. Then you get skinny and gross. It's what Lion King called "The Circle of Gross".

Terrorists blow people up like it's nothing. All you need is a bomb.

Crazy people kill other people just the same. All you need is a gun.

Idiots kill truth. All you need is a radio talk-show.

I'm going to try and not hit any cats anytime soon.