And even then... it's not that funny.
We're coming up on the final days of a the most momentous and wonderful presidency in American history. Just kidding. Obviously, I'm pretty liberal. However, Bush isn't really the worst president this country has ever seen.
I mean, we've had Harding, Nixon, Hoover... there have been worse.
Granted, he wasn't good. He just wasn't the worst. At least he never lied to the public about useless stuff or committed criminal acts... well, not really.
He left that to Dick. First vice president to shoot someone since Aaron Burr. How'd you like that title?
Seriously, how did we get over that one? We're stuck in the middle of one of the nastiest conflicts since Vietnam and our Vice-President is out playing Duck Hunt with the elderly. Wonderful.
God, it's like a "Charles in Charge" clip-show is running through my mind with all of the "Best of..." moments of the Bush presidency.
Like the time when he won the 2004 election because John Kerry was about as interesting as watching "Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D List", except not as loud and he didn't try nearly as hard.
Or the time when he made an English/ Grammar mistake.
Or the other time he made an English/ Grammar mistake.
Overall, it's been a good few years. Minus the trampling of civil liberties, war, and general incompetence.
Sunday
And when I killed her, it was so easy...
Very easy, apparently.
In the past two months, on two separate occasions, two different friends of mine have murdered cats with their vehicles. Killed them, run them over. Naturally, after the first friend of mine hit her victim, we all ruthlessly made fun of her for killing the poor animal.
Some of us more than others. Friend B made fun of her every time he saw her. Then he hit a cat of his own. I'm about to get my license tomorrow and, I've got to tell you, I didn't realize that feline splattering was so common. I feel worried now. Like I'm going to get behind the wheel and hit at least five cats backing out of the driveway.
How easy, exactly, is it for us to kill things in our culture?
It's worldwide, I'm sure for kids to be stomping ants, but we kill things so much more sportingly and efficiently than in other cultures. The kids (and adults) in this country pay upwards of 60 dollars to kill fake people in video games. I'm not trying to be all motherly and complain about violence, I just think it's interesting when you think about it like that.
I used to melt army men with a magnifying glass. It took about two hours and was not nearly as fun as we thought it would be.
We kill animals for sport (with other objects than vehicles). I know people who spend 6 hours out in the woods every saturday during deer season. I simply don't have the patience to be in a tree for hours, waiting to shoot a deer. It seems kinda backwards when we have supermarkets, but someone's gotta do it. (Not really, we could do without deer meat.)
We kill little kids hopes and dreams. It's called Middle School. Elementary School is wonderful; you get lied to for six years straight about how amazing you are and then you go to Middle School and tell the teachers you want to be an astronaut.
Then they teach you about pre-algebra and how real astronauts use math even harder than it. Then you hate math and school and life.
The man kills your sense of humor by telling you that the jokes you make are offensive. Pretty easy to do that.
Diamond jewelry commercials kill love. "This holiday, tell her you really love her with a Zwiemmerwillerstein diamond ring."
Because all of those other times I said I loved her, I really meant I was only with her for her resemblance to Dennis Leary and she should go lay down in a ditch and die.
Steroids simultaneously kill the sport of baseball and manhood. That's just funny.
George Bush doesn't kill anything. He just doesn't care about black people. (Kanye, where you at? Hooooo!)
Or chicken fries.
Nicole Richie kills the spirit of eating. It's quite the conundrum. When you look at her, she's so skinny and gross that you don't want to eat, yourself. Then you turn anorexic and don't eat. Then you get skinny and gross. It's what Lion King called "The Circle of Gross".
Terrorists blow people up like it's nothing. All you need is a bomb.
Crazy people kill other people just the same. All you need is a gun.
Idiots kill truth. All you need is a radio talk-show.
I'm going to try and not hit any cats anytime soon.
In the past two months, on two separate occasions, two different friends of mine have murdered cats with their vehicles. Killed them, run them over. Naturally, after the first friend of mine hit her victim, we all ruthlessly made fun of her for killing the poor animal.
Some of us more than others. Friend B made fun of her every time he saw her. Then he hit a cat of his own. I'm about to get my license tomorrow and, I've got to tell you, I didn't realize that feline splattering was so common. I feel worried now. Like I'm going to get behind the wheel and hit at least five cats backing out of the driveway.
How easy, exactly, is it for us to kill things in our culture?
It's worldwide, I'm sure for kids to be stomping ants, but we kill things so much more sportingly and efficiently than in other cultures. The kids (and adults) in this country pay upwards of 60 dollars to kill fake people in video games. I'm not trying to be all motherly and complain about violence, I just think it's interesting when you think about it like that.
I used to melt army men with a magnifying glass. It took about two hours and was not nearly as fun as we thought it would be.
We kill animals for sport (with other objects than vehicles). I know people who spend 6 hours out in the woods every saturday during deer season. I simply don't have the patience to be in a tree for hours, waiting to shoot a deer. It seems kinda backwards when we have supermarkets, but someone's gotta do it. (Not really, we could do without deer meat.)
We kill little kids hopes and dreams. It's called Middle School. Elementary School is wonderful; you get lied to for six years straight about how amazing you are and then you go to Middle School and tell the teachers you want to be an astronaut.
Then they teach you about pre-algebra and how real astronauts use math even harder than it. Then you hate math and school and life.
The man kills your sense of humor by telling you that the jokes you make are offensive. Pretty easy to do that.
Diamond jewelry commercials kill love. "This holiday, tell her you really love her with a Zwiemmerwillerstein diamond ring."
Because all of those other times I said I loved her, I really meant I was only with her for her resemblance to Dennis Leary and she should go lay down in a ditch and die.
Steroids simultaneously kill the sport of baseball and manhood. That's just funny.
George Bush doesn't kill anything. He just doesn't care about black people. (Kanye, where you at? Hooooo!)
Or chicken fries.
Nicole Richie kills the spirit of eating. It's quite the conundrum. When you look at her, she's so skinny and gross that you don't want to eat, yourself. Then you turn anorexic and don't eat. Then you get skinny and gross. It's what Lion King called "The Circle of Gross".
Terrorists blow people up like it's nothing. All you need is a bomb.
Crazy people kill other people just the same. All you need is a gun.
Idiots kill truth. All you need is a radio talk-show.
I'm going to try and not hit any cats anytime soon.
Mother, why do you sleep with him?
Good question.
Why do we go into movies that cheapen us, attack our senses, and, ultimately put on a poor show? Come on, the movie industry is fat and happy, we should be making them work for us. 300? Really? Alright, Frank Miller fanboys, I know you love graphic novels and the like, but all this film yielded was a couple hours of watching sweaty, muscular men cut each other's heads off in motion so slow that it would make your grandmother look like she was Danica Patrick. If your grandmother is Danica Patrick, you have bigger problems.
I yawned. In an action sequence. Pardon my French, but, Qu'est-ce que? It takes about thirteen seconds for you to get bored of this movie, but you can't blame them, because if they cut out all of the unnecessary slow-motion, it would be about thirteen seconds long. Friends, Romans, Countrymen: if you think 300 is acceptable, you are what is wrong with the movie industry.
But, this is not the only movie who needs to be blamed. Any movie that is produced for the sole purpose for you to see bodies spurting blood is on my personal rant-list. I'm sorry, but quality action and the near constant spilling of a precious bodily fluid are not the same. I'd watch the near constant spilling of urine just the same. Disgusting.
I mean, when you think about it, you're really just watching liquids flying through the air in slow motion. It's like watching rain, or paint, or headlight fluid fly through the air. Did you know headlight fluid is necessary to the operation of your vehicle?
It isn't. Just something that my cousin told me when I was five.
That's one of those great "Did you know?" questions, like, "Did you know that there is such a thing as a George Bush?" or "Did you know that racism doesn't exist?"
My personal favorite: "Did you know that Alan Colmes is of the same species as Ammospermophilus leucurus?" See (http://images.politico.com/global/colmes.jpg) and (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:White_Tailed_Squirrel.jpg )
Here's another one: "Did you know that people actually like movies like 300?" They do. Chances are, you are probably one of them. In my opinion, these movies are such a terrible idea that I'd be tempted to go on a rant about how stupid companies are for actually producing these pictures and how they probably lose a ton of money over them.
I'd be wrong. They make all sorts of cash on these things. Because of people like you.
And you.
And you.
Crap, I'm the only one who doesn't like them. God, it all makes sense now. The blood, the gore. The people laughing when I say I hate 300. The old man who kept telling me to get in the car.
Actually I'm still confused about that last one. I guess I shouldn't insult 300 anymore. I'm just tickling the Uvula of a very large, angry, drunk man with the feather that is my unrespected opinion. Never do that by the way. Nasty nasty.
...unless you're Frank Miller, then you could film it in slow motion for "300 2"! Blood, vomit, what's the difference?
Why do we go into movies that cheapen us, attack our senses, and, ultimately put on a poor show? Come on, the movie industry is fat and happy, we should be making them work for us. 300? Really? Alright, Frank Miller fanboys, I know you love graphic novels and the like, but all this film yielded was a couple hours of watching sweaty, muscular men cut each other's heads off in motion so slow that it would make your grandmother look like she was Danica Patrick. If your grandmother is Danica Patrick, you have bigger problems.
I yawned. In an action sequence. Pardon my French, but, Qu'est-ce que? It takes about thirteen seconds for you to get bored of this movie, but you can't blame them, because if they cut out all of the unnecessary slow-motion, it would be about thirteen seconds long. Friends, Romans, Countrymen: if you think 300 is acceptable, you are what is wrong with the movie industry.
But, this is not the only movie who needs to be blamed. Any movie that is produced for the sole purpose for you to see bodies spurting blood is on my personal rant-list. I'm sorry, but quality action and the near constant spilling of a precious bodily fluid are not the same. I'd watch the near constant spilling of urine just the same. Disgusting.
I mean, when you think about it, you're really just watching liquids flying through the air in slow motion. It's like watching rain, or paint, or headlight fluid fly through the air. Did you know headlight fluid is necessary to the operation of your vehicle?
It isn't. Just something that my cousin told me when I was five.
That's one of those great "Did you know?" questions, like, "Did you know that there is such a thing as a George Bush?" or "Did you know that racism doesn't exist?"
My personal favorite: "Did you know that Alan Colmes is of the same species as Ammospermophilus leucurus?" See (http://images.politico.com/global/colmes.jpg) and (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:White_Tailed_Squirrel.jpg )
Here's another one: "Did you know that people actually like movies like 300?" They do. Chances are, you are probably one of them. In my opinion, these movies are such a terrible idea that I'd be tempted to go on a rant about how stupid companies are for actually producing these pictures and how they probably lose a ton of money over them.
I'd be wrong. They make all sorts of cash on these things. Because of people like you.
And you.
And you.
Crap, I'm the only one who doesn't like them. God, it all makes sense now. The blood, the gore. The people laughing when I say I hate 300. The old man who kept telling me to get in the car.
Actually I'm still confused about that last one. I guess I shouldn't insult 300 anymore. I'm just tickling the Uvula of a very large, angry, drunk man with the feather that is my unrespected opinion. Never do that by the way. Nasty nasty.
...unless you're Frank Miller, then you could film it in slow motion for "300 2"! Blood, vomit, what's the difference?
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